New Meaning of Food

I hear that y’all want an update 😁 

Well, Eric and I are doing well. Our appearance has definitely changed. We’ve lost about 60 lbs each and seem to be adapting to our new normal pretty well. We both haven’t gotten sick one time, which is awesome! We feel better and are sleeping better. There is a great sense of accomplishment when someone mentions that I am looking healthier (because I’ve always been beautiful 😉).

My relationship with food is still evolving. In full transparency, I have caught myself eating a Girl Scout cookie or a bite of something taboo and then am overcome with some pretty significant guilt. Why do I feel doom when I had one cookie in two months? I think I’m at a place where I see that I shouldn’t have such a rigid relationship with food but a relational relationship with food. If that makes any sense? Don’t worry friends, I’m not jumping off the boat. My primary food is protein with a bite of veggies seven days a week but I do fear the pendulum swinging too far to the other side. So I’m trying to give myself some grace. My mind still craves some of the not healthy stuff but for the most part I am in a rhythm of eating my protein and drinking my water.  

My favorites things that keep me going right now are my vitamins (www.bariatricadvantage.com). They are my “candy” because they are chewy like starburst. And my chocolate protein powder that I have in my single cup of coffee each day (https://unjury.com/chocolate-splendor-protein-container/)

I am a lot less “excited” about food like I used to be. I think this is a good thing and was one of my issues before surgery. It is nice to order the most expensive thing on the menu and feel no guilt because it lasts for four meals! We are also so thankful for the small businesses and restaurants that know us and help us make choices that fit our new lifestyle. 

Because of COVID19 I have been cooking every night. Thank goodness for meal delivery programs! They have really helped me cook with flavors I typically wouldn’t. The kids think I’m trying to poison them because they want ramen, cereal, and pizza....but I’m working to change their minds. We are changing and that’s the point. I’m thankful more than ever for this choice and journey.

Easy Way Out

I saw a post last week about the “easy way out” and it’s really got me thinking, how can someone know if weight loss surgery is the easy way out if they haven’t been through it? It’s anything but easy. These past few weeks have been truly the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. It reminds me of childbirth, except longer and as a result I get me as a gift. A healthier and God willing longer living me. I thought I was prepared for this thought from others but it bothers me more than I’d like to admit. 

The surgery is a tool to use in aiding weight loss. I’m learning how to use it. I don’t think the hard part is over. I’m not sure if it will ever be. I still have to watch every thing I put in my mouth. Every bite. I still have to work out. I still have to do all the things I was supposed to be doing before I had the surgery. I opted to use this tool. It was the best path for me. If you lost 100 lbs without it, that is awesome! We have chosen different paths to get to the same goal.

Truth is I am an addict. I am going to speak from a place of experience. It’s no different that alcoholism. While I have never been an alcoholic, I have lived with several. My life has revolved around my next meal and how good it was. Regardless of the consequences. Regardless of the calories. Regardless of the price. And every event or meeting or gathering of friends or church or family celebration was centered around food. It brought me short lived gratification and tons of pain, bloating, skin issues, debt, and the beginnings of some very serious, life threatening diseases. It is no ones fault but mine. No one to blame but me. I decided to do something about it.

I made several attempts to diet and failed. I took pills and had scary side affects. I was still active but not enough. I kept a diary of my food. I ate in sadness. I ate in boredom. I ate in celebration. I am a food addict. No pity necessary. I am doing the work required to be the best me I can. I would compare it to rehab. Some folks can kick alcoholism without needing rehab, while other have to have it to get past the DTs and force them to learn life again. I chose the rehab version.

At the end of the day we all want to be loved and recognized for reaching our goals regardless of the path you choose. For me, I know I need friends and family that are supportive. Thank the Lord, I have them. 

I don’t want to be confused with bitterness. I’m not bitter. I am proud. I am open. And I’m living my life the best way I know how. But it’s anything other than the easy way.

I haven’t noticed a big change in my body yet but I feel more “normal” every day. I have noticed my clothes fit slightly different but not too different yet. I’m able to grab something (something small) from the cafeteria or even order something from a restaurant (avocado slices with squished lime at Mexican YUM 🤤).  I’m relearning what my body likes and doesn’t like. My stomach literally talks. I wasn’t prepared for that one. And I’m more present during meals because I have to take more time, which is a nice side affect. The scale really showed dropping numbers for a while but has seemed to slow down. I’m learning this means more water and maybe more calories are needed. My relationship with food is just so different. It’s not my friend. Not my comfort. It’s my fuel.

Enough

A friend who has recently gone through our experience gave the best advice: Take before pictures so you remember how far you have come. So these are my before pictures. Notice anything? I’m smiling. I’m confident. I’m beautiful. And I’m enough... before this decision. So are so all of the people I know who are going down the same or similar path. We are already beautiful, strong, amazing people that just wanted to grow. We all know growing hurts. At least that’s how it started for me.

The good news is every day has been better. I've been trusting the process and as everyone said it does get better. Eric and I are both sleeping through the night and not being woken by cramps. This was a huge win because being both hungry and exhausted is a recipe for marital disaster. For some reason every time I have a cramp I feel it in my back, where Eric feels it in his abdomen. The pain is nothing like it was in the first few days. We are both beginning to be hungry. We are pushing fluids and protein drinks and get full but not satisfied. It’s an odd feeling. Our bodies miss the taste, the motion of chewing food. I’m not sure if this post-op liquid diet is getting easier or harder. I can tolerate some of the drinks that I did not like in the beginning while the taste of others are beginning to make me sick. Either way I would give anything for a solid-ish piece of food.

Hunger itself feels different. It feels like a desperate need to put only the things in my mouth that my body needs. It’s not for taste (even though something yummy would be great). It’s a need to put something that will nurture and sustain my body because every sip counts rights now. We’ve both lost a significant amount of weight already. Clinically I know that our bodies are literally eating our own fat. Which is good but still feels wrong. And our bodies are trying to use our fat for energy which is hilarious because it is the weakest energy I have ever encountered. Naps are my best friend. Eric hasn’t really napped at all but he is exhausted when he gets home. I don’t nap everyday but I think about it.

I am also fearful that when I can eat I will still try a bite of pizza or macaroni and cheese or some other good-tasting-horrible-for-you thing. My relationship with food is already being tested. All I can do right now is listen to my body, pray I don’t listen to emotion or memories, and push forward. We are counting down the days to being cleared by the doctor for purées (which we are very hopeful will be tomorrow). I literally licked my son's apple core the other day. How's that for desperate? But it makes me feel better to talk to so many others who licked a chicken nugget, chewed and spit out something just to make it through this phase.

That's all this is...a phase. A short lived section of time that, while hard, will pass. We are getting through it. Heck we are succeeding because we are enough. I do want to give credit where it is due though. We are enough because of our relationship with Jesus. I'm pretty sure I am just riding on His back right now. In the past, if you would have suggested that I would make it over a week on only drinks I would have laughed but in this season I am laser focused on improving myself. I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings...hopefully it'll include a bite of scrambled eggs, avocado, and just maybe some chicken.