The one thing that brings me more joy than my family and I just stopped. I’m not sure if it was a purposeful decision or a reactional regression to isolation. You see, I was hurt deeply by someone I loved. Not a you hurt my feelings and I’m mad but a life altering, sickening pain that only comes from someone you trust with your heart.
If I identify as a artist...
then my reaction should have been to take my pain and put it on canvas as I have done before. Work through my pain to find what God wants to teach me. But I couldn’t. Not this time. My canvas probably would have been painted black, soaked with tears, then knived for good measure. Nothing pretty could have come from where I was. I was mourning the death of a person who was still alive and I didn’t (and still don’t to tell the truth) know how to move trough it. There was no peace, anger didn’t even touch it, probably some hate, and the deepest ravine of pain I have ever felt. It’s still there, is just been numbed with some time and tears and prayer. But oh it is still there. I haven’t moved to forgiveness even today, I’m not sure I ever will. None of this I am proud of. As a daughter of God I know that some of what I am feeling isn’t from Him and I struggle with figuring out how to completely lay it all down at the feet of Jesus. Even still, with all my sinful thoughts and deep pain I feel God nudging me to the canvas.
And still He is there.
He’s been using encouragement from others, amazing works of art, His word, and worship to get me back to working for His glory. So this week I painted. Finally. It felt great and came out a beautiful hot mess. The result was A New Song. A vision of how He uses worship and music to heal. An while I’m not healed yet, and this painting is a mixture of beauty and pain, I think it accurately depicts where I am. You can still see the darkness, and my strokes look a little angry. The painting does not depict peace but it shows how worship can bring light. And it can be ugly and beautiful at the same time.
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