Ups and Downs. Smiles and Frowns.

{WARNING: Tissue Jerker}
       Its been a few months since blogging, the B-Team has been super busy and not much time has been left for blogging. But the time has given me plenty of material to blog on. While the camping outings, and fun trips of the summer with my family hasn't happened these past months because my family kinda fell apart (we aren't going to dwell on that); my husband, children, and I have been busy with life, some fun, and of course work.

The biggest topic to blog on would be the shock and excitement then sorrow felt by having a surprise pregnancy then miscarriage.

         Firstly I would like to get on my soap box for a second. Why is it that pregnancy is treated like a medical condition and miscarriages treated as a "natural process"? I find this asinine. For example, when you find out you are pregnant you learn you have to go to the doctor, get blood work, you must take pills, you must always get prenatal care, and you must above all else I find strange, deliver your baby in a hospital setting with doctors and monitors and machines. On the other hand, if you start having bleeding and pain you go to the hospital and they send you home and tell you you're have a miscarriage and its a "natural process"!? Think about it.
               When we first found out we were pregnant I was at work, so keeping in quiet until I was further along just wasn't going to happen in an ER filled with women who like to talk. So I told my family and a few close friends so that they wouldn't hear about from someone else because we all know how small a town I live in. But we didn't post anything on FB. At first I cried, not out of sadness but shock. Honestly, I was scared. Scared to have three children ages three, two, and new. I can barely keep myself together as it is. Then I was happy, excited, I felt blessed. I kinda knew it was a miscarriage when the symptoms started. I was sad, and it was sobering for sure. In the end I feel blessed to have my children I have. My children are true miracles. Blessed to have a loving family, and the friends that knew I was pregnant checking on me. I love all of you dearly.
               The thing that hurts most of all is to think I am flushed my unborn child down the toilet in the form of a clot. It just doesn't seem right. I know people who have had miscarriages and my heart has always felt for them. Honestly, I never thought it would happen to me. After going through it personally these are the things I have learned: It physically hurts, like labor, not as bad but dang it hurts. And it emotionally hurts. My mind gets the best of me, I think about all the things I could have done different to maybe save the baby, I think about what God's plan is. While my own bed is nice, this is the one time I want to be under the care of a doctor, for answers, medications, monitoring. But its I'm told its a natural process?! I started again didn't I?, sorry. And its hard to know how Eric feels. He has been supportive, loving, and quiet. He is most concerned now with what our son will think. He knows we are having a baby. I would ask him "whats in mommy's belly?" He'd respond "A baby, I can see it in the hole." But I think if we just don't bring it up he will forget it. Hopefully. Eric is rationalizing it logically. There was not a visible fetus in the ultrasound, so its easier for him not to mourn it, maybe its different when you carry it yourself. In you. Even if the ultrasound couldn't see the fetus, I felt the pain of it coming out, I felt the morning sickness of it developing, a connection he couldn't feel. But the worst of it is over now. And once again I am so thankful to those around me supporting us threw this unforeseen journey.

Now miscarriage is such a serious, heavy topic, and while part of me thinks I should separate these blogs, I am not. Another part of me thinks that I can't talk about the sad things and not talk about happier ones. So to change the topic, there are a few things I would like to share that make me filled with joy. A new chapter in my family's journey has begun

Eric was baptized! We have found a home in our church and Eric was baptized there. I have never seen a baptism like Eric's. Listen to our friends rejoice and yell in happiness afterwords.  It actually felt like he (and we) were being accepted into a loving family. If you are looking for a church let me know, I would love for you to come and meet our church family. Its so important to be a part of a church, to fellowship, to be surrounded by friends who have the same values as you, and hold you accountable. Especially when children are involved. They need to see God. Not just at home, even though that is so important also. But to have friends that see God too. Eric and I have been together A LONG time. Its been rough, its been happy, its been curvy. Its nice to have a model though. A model of what our family is supposed to be structured as, whats expected. Now that Eric has been baptized I feel like he is learning what he needs to be as the father and husband of our family. The leader, the protector. I mean, we aren't prefect, I am still learning my role as mom and wife. But the important part is we are getting better at these roles. The bible has specific expectations written for us to follow. Side note, the movie Courageous that is in theaters right now is AWESOME. It specifically talks about the expectations of fathers/husbands. You should watch it.

So thats the news from the B-Team house. Like usual, drama filled and fun filled. Truly a rollercoaster, ups and downs filled with smiles and frowns. Have a blessed day, because we are all blessed though we may be struggling.

FYI we have been studying Romans 6-8. Its a great read and very inspirational.