Enough

A friend who has recently gone through our experience gave the best advice: Take before pictures so you remember how far you have come. So these are my before pictures. Notice anything? I’m smiling. I’m confident. I’m beautiful. And I’m enough... before this decision. So are so all of the people I know who are going down the same or similar path. We are already beautiful, strong, amazing people that just wanted to grow. We all know growing hurts. At least that’s how it started for me.

The good news is every day has been better. I've been trusting the process and as everyone said it does get better. Eric and I are both sleeping through the night and not being woken by cramps. This was a huge win because being both hungry and exhausted is a recipe for marital disaster. For some reason every time I have a cramp I feel it in my back, where Eric feels it in his abdomen. The pain is nothing like it was in the first few days. We are both beginning to be hungry. We are pushing fluids and protein drinks and get full but not satisfied. It’s an odd feeling. Our bodies miss the taste, the motion of chewing food. I’m not sure if this post-op liquid diet is getting easier or harder. I can tolerate some of the drinks that I did not like in the beginning while the taste of others are beginning to make me sick. Either way I would give anything for a solid-ish piece of food.

Hunger itself feels different. It feels like a desperate need to put only the things in my mouth that my body needs. It’s not for taste (even though something yummy would be great). It’s a need to put something that will nurture and sustain my body because every sip counts rights now. We’ve both lost a significant amount of weight already. Clinically I know that our bodies are literally eating our own fat. Which is good but still feels wrong. And our bodies are trying to use our fat for energy which is hilarious because it is the weakest energy I have ever encountered. Naps are my best friend. Eric hasn’t really napped at all but he is exhausted when he gets home. I don’t nap everyday but I think about it.

I am also fearful that when I can eat I will still try a bite of pizza or macaroni and cheese or some other good-tasting-horrible-for-you thing. My relationship with food is already being tested. All I can do right now is listen to my body, pray I don’t listen to emotion or memories, and push forward. We are counting down the days to being cleared by the doctor for purées (which we are very hopeful will be tomorrow). I literally licked my son's apple core the other day. How's that for desperate? But it makes me feel better to talk to so many others who licked a chicken nugget, chewed and spit out something just to make it through this phase.

That's all this is...a phase. A short lived section of time that, while hard, will pass. We are getting through it. Heck we are succeeding because we are enough. I do want to give credit where it is due though. We are enough because of our relationship with Jesus. I'm pretty sure I am just riding on His back right now. In the past, if you would have suggested that I would make it over a week on only drinks I would have laughed but in this season I am laser focused on improving myself. I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings...hopefully it'll include a bite of scrambled eggs, avocado, and just maybe some chicken.