It’s been a while. I’m still painting but have been doing less writing. While this isn’t a painting related post it was a big leap of faith in my life, similar to painting, and I’m an open book anyway. Why not share?
In November Eric and I decided to have bariatric surgery. It was a big decision but after years of struggling with diets, diet medications with crazy side effects, and fighting this up hill battle we chose to move forward with the tool of a gastric sleeve (VSG). We both have over 100 lbs to lose. I want to make sure that y’all understand though, for me this choice was not about how I look. Sure sometimes I saw pictures that others took and thought man, not good...but other than those moments I think I’m beautiful. Even big...I’m still beautiful. Our reason was we both want to be healthier for ourselves and our kids. We decided to do it together. We zoomed through the process of getting scheduling that includes a lot of testing and surprise bills and were scheduled for 1/22/2020. I thought I did all the research needed and was prepared for what was in store....
Two weeks before the surgery we started the “pre-op diet” designed to shrink your liver. It was not too different from some of the diets we have done before. It was still hard. I was hungry all the time. I couldn’t imagine going through the pre-op diet without Eric. We could both encourage each other and laugh about our food fantasies. We cheated a little and held each other accountable. One evening he said “it would be so hard watching you eat a pizza right now while I drink this broth”.
It only confirmed that we were making the right choice to go on this journey simultaneously. Two days before surgery the diet is all liquid. Still starving but with the end so close in sight it wasn’t as hard. We prepared for post-op and got the kids easy to cook groceries and dinners and filled our fridge with clear liquids for ourselves. I thought we were prepared.
The day of surgery was so fast. I mean we finally made it to The Day. And in a matter of minutes, literally a flash, there was no going back. I woke up sick and in pain. I have never had surgery so I guess I didn’t know what to expect. Most of that day is a blur. Eric woke up in significant pain. I could hear him through the curtain in recovery and it broke my heart. I couldn’t make it better for him. We learned later his liver and stomach was very large so it took longer and was a more complicated procedure for him. He would describe that day as traumatic.
When I got to see him the day after surgery (or maybe it was the same day, I’m not sure) he was still hurting but much better. They put us in different units on the same floor. We began walking together and visiting each other. The nurses called us Romeo and Juliet. We were the furthest from cute. We were pale, exhausted, and sore. My pain didn’t really start until the day after. I was hurting in my chest, which made it difficult to breath and kinda put me in a panic. The nurses were so helpful.
I thought I was ready for the discharge home. I thought we were prepared. Boy was I wrong. Nothing prepares you for what your body goes through in those first couple of days. I questioned so many things. Did I make the right decision? Am I going to die? Will I be able to take care of my kids? I think my emotions were amplified by the exhaustion. I hadn’t slept for more than three hours at a time. I was not hungry but being a nurse knew that I’m starving and every sip of liquid I took hurt. I was reaching out to friends who had gone before me on this journey for encouragement. Evidently this part of the process is normal. I have never felt so weak as I have during this time. Physically, mentally, all of the “ally’s”. I see myself as a strong woman but in recovery I evidently have no strength. Me and God have had a lot of talks. I asked Him if this was payment for the years of gluttony and not treating my body as a temple. Was this the cost? Was it worth it? He told me it was irreversible and to lean on Him. I have had to accept help that I was not prepared for from others.
I have been very open about our choice so that those around us knew what was going on. I’ve told anyone I know. You know what I’ve learned? So many people around us have had this but don’t talk about it. And the more I have shared the support I have received. Even my co-workers have supported us. They went all liquid the day before surgery with me. Our friends have given us care packages and prayers and texts. Our family have been saints. I’m not sure all of them even agreed with our decision but man have they rallied around us! I’ve never felt so loved. They’ve cleaned my house. They’ve encouraged me. They’ve helped me with my daughter’s birthday party, which probably would not have been a success without them. They have kept the kids longer than we had planned. Part of me has felt so guilty but then I think of my weakest moments and am thankful the kids didn’t see me in some of these times. It would have scared them. It has scared me.
The online support group I am part of has also been my lifeline. I can read about others who have been through or are going through the same thing. I can reach out for encouragement, which has always come. Every one of them has said “Trust the Process”. I’m trusting the process and you know what? Today has been better than yesterday. And the day before that. And the day before that. I can’t wait to see what tomorrow holds. 
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